To The Powers That Be:
On this Hollow’s Eve, I, Hagatha Darkwood, hereby resign from my position of Scary-Ass Witch in the Spooky Woods where I have spent three hundred years lurking behind lichen-covered tree trunks in the shadowy forest, luring children and stray dogs alike into my primitive cabin.
Due to the recent allusions to my kind made by Donald Trump and Rudolf Giuliani, I have discovered I no longer wish to hold the title of “Witch” and hereby request to cease all connection to The Salem Witch Trials.
For centuries, evoking the name of a witch conjured images of women with spidery fingers and wart-covered faces, wiry grey hair and cackling laughs. Beautiful, if you ask me!
Alas, presently Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani have associated themselves with this most beloved word, turning a once-respected title into nothing more than a way to gain pity from musket-toting rapscallions. When people think of witches, they no longer think of independent women with a vast knowledge of herbal medicine and a fondness for black cats; now, in our place is the carroty face of a foul-mouthed swine and his bald little friend.
The innocents hanged at the Salem Witch Trials were just that: innocent. For decades after learning the this truth, when we thought of Salem and 1692 we envisioned a chaotic scene of false accusations and spectral delusions—bored teenagers and territorial adults spitefully lying about their dull neighbors. Now, when we think of the Salem Witch Trials we shall involuntarily envision two Beelzebub-possessed fools fumbling over their 50-word vocabulary, whining in their New York accents for mercy for which they do not deserve. Curses! They sully even the darkest moments of history!
I can no longer allow myself to exist in the same category as these imbeciles! Especially since I was no innocent at the Witch Trials, and truly am a badass, powerful sorceress who’s got more talent in her long, green fingernail than those two turds have combined.
Therefore, it is with a heavy, Satan-possessed heart that I offer my resignation for title of “Witch” as well as my association with the “Salem Witch Trials of 1692.”
Any company that Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani claim to be part of is no company of which I wish to be. And I’ve already spoken with Lucifer Himself. He says he doesn’t want them in any of the circles of Hell, either.
Signed in blood,