Mama. Wife. Singer. Actor. Teacher. Runner. Writer. Reader. Daughter. Interior Designer. Carpooler. Dog Lover. Dog Mom. Human. Friend of Jesus. Hater of Satan. Kale-eater. Wine-lover. Dancer. Sister. Ex-wife. Entrepreneur. One-night stand affair have-r. One-too-many-glasses-of-rose-and-I-blurt-my-husband’s-penis-size-r. Forgot-about-my-tampon-for-three-days-er. Actually-never-read-the-Bible-in-my-life-r. Yogi. BOSS BITCH!
That’s right. I do it all.
But how do you do it? You might be wondering.
And I’m here to share with you my secret: the truth is, I don’t!
I’ll be honest with you, you guys. I’m just stringing together a bunch of random-ass nouns and verbs to make it seem like I’m incredibly productive and more talented than you are. Basically, I’m just listing everything I can think of and making it sound like I’m an expert at it, but you know that’s not true (except for the tampon and affair). In actuality, one thing is probably true: I have ADHD and at the ripe age of 37, still haven’t figured out what the eff I’m doing with my life. But I desperately want to look important and better than you. That’s why I make it seem like I’m an expert at arranging pillows when IRL I’m just copying whatever I see on Joanna Gaines’ blog!
Truth is, I call myself a mom, but really, I spend most of my time screaming at my children to not touch their super cute headbands while I try to get the perfect photo of them sitting upon the forty pumpkins I’ve bought that will inevitably rot on my porch—committing horrendous food waste—while my kids’ wear not-seasonably appropriate outfits exposing their kidneys to freezing weather. They hate me, and let’s be honest, I hate them.
And when it comes to singing, well, I act like my voice is special but actually once I saw a fly die mid-air and flop to the ground when I tried to sing along to Ariana Grande.
Oh, and I’m a writer, too, although the only thing I write is captions, and most of those are already written for me via the FabFitFun content marketing specialist. But I tell people I’m a writer anyway, never mind the fact that I’ve also literally never read a book in my life (well, not since fourth grade, anyway).
Did I mention I also have a podcast? If you already thought I was narcissistic and boring as hell in real life, just wait until you have the pleasure of hearing my voice crackle through your speakers, recorded on my shitty microphone I stole from my ex-boyfriend. (He was a “musician.”) I don’t even edit it! You have the pleasure of listening to every painful silence and ear splitting “um” and “like.”
I know, I’m amazing. But guys, even I have my bad days. And I’m here to share with you the only way I get through it: Grove Collective Cleaning Supplies. Buy now and use the code “FULL OF SHIT” to get 20% off your next purchase! #ad
I can’t wait for you guys to see my next post, which will include me looking somberly at the camera while holding a political sign borrowing the trendiest political opinion. OMG, I forgot to add I’m a political activist too. In reality, I don’t even know who the governor of my own state is and I steal all my opinions from celebrities. Have a great day, frans! Kisses! Now, here are some pictures of my ass.